I came to Women In Charge by surprise. I went to the Adult Education & Literacy office across the way and the lady in the office couldn’t find my name, so she sent me over here to Women In Charge and said they could help me. At first I wasn’t going to go, I was walking to the parking lot and started to get into my car but then I felt the Lord tell me not to be stubborn, and I walked over to Women In Charge.
A year ago I began to feel the need to get my GED. I was under so much condemnation up to that point, my self-esteem was gone and I didn’t think I deserved a good paying job. I also felt invisible; it seemed that other people who had finished school, like my relatives, were better than me. My grandma said, “Quitters never win, winners never quit.” She flat out told me “You’re a quitter. I’m the one that has high hopes for you!
When I got to Women In Charge, no one criticized me for moving so quickly and learning my own way, so I came out of my shell. It was shocking coming to Women In Charge because everyone was so sweet, and I am not used to sweet. The niceness kind of made me uncomfortable. Everyone cared, and it wasn’t a front. I was used to taking tests and always failing, so when I did well on the tests, I was in disbelief.
I was in private school up to the 7th grade; I was with mostly white kids. I was an only child. My mom had depression issues, she kept the house dark and she was emotionally distant. My mom would have fits of anger, so I learned to be seen and not heard. Things at home were so quiet. She would lock herself in the room and come out angry. Growing up, I was scared of my mom. I thought my dad was a jerk, I couldn’t understand why he was there for his other kids but he didn’t care anything about me.
I remember going to a friend’s house and the whole house was peaceful, very loving. It felt free. My friend’s mom was treating me like a daughter, and I came to a point where it was too much for me, I was too full or worries and fears. I couldn’t let the peace in, let go of the darkness and embrace the light. I left and never went back.
When I was in 7th grade I went to Brittany Woods, and with all the fighting and different kids, my grades dropped. The whole time I was in school I felt stupid because I learned differently, my mind works different than the way the teacher teaches it. I will look at the problem and get the answer in my own way. I literally played stupid so I wouldn’t get into trouble. I decided to be home schooled to get away from the fighting and the inability of the teachers to understand my way of learning. But my mom didn’t carry through with the home schooling, so I sat at home all day for a couple of years. I love to write, so in 2006, I attended a writing course at the Institute of Children’s Literature. In 2008, I self-published a book, Body Image, that was about women and self-esteem.
When I got to Women In Charge, no one criticized me for moving so quickly and learning my own way, so I came out of my shell. It was shocking coming to Women In Charge because everyone was so sweet, and I am not used to sweet. The niceness kind of made me uncomfortable. Everyone cared, and it wasn’t a front. I was used to taking tests and always failing, so when I did well on the tests, I was in disbelief. Ann was very happy I did well, that was like a little crack of light in the wall of darkness. I thought, “This might not be so bad.” Then I went into Sue’s math class. When I saw the class I thought “Great, another room full of women.” I thought “drama”. I got scared and intimidated and that crack of light started to close up. I sat down with Mary and she didn’t get upset when I did problems my own way, so then my nerves calmed and I thought this might not be so bad after all! I never had that one on one time with a teacher before and Sue is a very peaceful lady.
It’s like being underwater and being released and taking a big breath and growing. I was hungry for knowledge, and it was an open buffet; I could get all I wanted. I told Ann and Sue to pile on the work; the famine of knowledge was over! I feel limitless now. I can read all day. I read two books a week. Being here I realize I can be myself, the real me, it is okay.
Since I passed the GED, I can see how far I have come. I am not invisible, I have an accomplishment. I didn’t believe I was intelligent. Anything positive people said, even when I published the book, I didn’t believe about myself. I am struggling with walking into a new season: the college season.
The big thing is making sure I have enough financial aid. I have settled on Columbia College in St. Louis. Since being there, I have realized that when you go for your dreams, nothing can defeat you. Even though I was delayed for a while, I am now living my dreams. It is still a bit surreal to look back on a year ago and actually see how far I’ve come. And just to think, it all started with one lady not finding my name.
If I could leave some words of inspiration, I would say, “Failure isn’t failure if you refuse to quit. As long as you continue to press your way forward, the only thing available for you to do is succeed.”
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